13 November 2015

TOYAH'S BLOG 
MAY 2007 – DECEMBER 2007

Read Toyah's blog on the Official Page HERE


DECEMBER 2007


It's CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!

I can't believe it's December. 2007 has had the 'fast forward' button pressed firmly down since Jan the 1st. Panto is here and I'm marching across the stage already, smacking my ample thigh and slaying a giant twice daily, well it's better than therapy, believe me.

There is sooooooo much to look forward to in 2008. The wonderful Dean Stockings and I are already planning the video for SENSATIONAL, which may possibly….very possibly…….almost 99% will be…….a proper hard copy single in early 2008. All the buzz about LATEX MESSIAH has won the solo album all the right support and believe me Simon Darlow and myself are really pushing on this!

I've never gone into a panto having to plan two albums, a TV series and the production budget on a film. There is so much going on. Usually I start panto and hide away from the world for two months.

On the 28th Jan, Wongy and myself fly to Seattle to record THE HUMANS album with Bill Reiflin, he whom I call God. We have ten days to do it in, then Bill is off for six months with REM, giving me time to place the album with a record company.

Simon and I finish IN THE COURT OF THE CRIMSON QUEEN, only three tracks to go. AND one of my TV projects has been picked up but I am not allowed to say a word about it!

Also my fingers are firmly crossed for BELLE DU JOUR 2. The second series is rumoured to have been commissioned and if it keeps to the book, the mother has a more leading role! She leaves Belles father and becomes more liberated.

This is my last day off before Christmas day and I've spent it dealing with speeding offences, French bank accounts, plumbers and a gale force wind, luckily that is outside and not inside.

It's taken all day to pluck up the courage to tell my lawyer that yet again I have been caught on camera, even though it was for being one mile over the speed limit on a bloody dual carriageway.
S---! F---! B-------!

As Jack says to the giant when he first sees him. What is a girl supposed to do, last week I had to drive to Harrogate, Birmingham, Edinburgh, Hull and London. My lawyer has the same effect on me as the head mistress at my school, making me feel extremely guilty, as if I'd accidently pressed the 'nuclear war button' in a government hide out while visiting on a school trip.

I will just have to ride the storm and think of Seattle, think of the new single SENSATIONAL, think of Chocolate, think of my white rabbit WillyFred and that will put the smile back on my face.

My husband doesn't know it yet but WillyFred did something bad in his office. WillyFred loves Robert and sits under his desk whilst he does his e-mail.

WillyFred is solely responsible for chewing through my husbands main computer cable, something WF has also done in my office too. But we love him.

Right, panto beckons, HAPPY CHRISTMAS, enjoy the video to LESSER GOD on MYSPACE / YOUTUVE and eat and drink and be merry.

BE LOUD, BE PROUD, BE HEARD

LOVE TOYAH XXXX


NOVEMBER 2007

Hello and a huge thank you to everyone who has downloaded LATEX MESSIAH.

It has been fantastic to have responses from all over the world, and very suprising too. USA, Australia, Germany, Norway, Estonia, even Africa wow! This has opened up new horizons for the album, as many of you know the record buying community is shifting and going through a revolution, people aren't sure what the future of music really is at the moment and I find this incredibly exciting.

It means 'choice' is back in the public domain rather than in the hands of the corporate companies. That said life would be a lot easier with a big company handling all the press enquiries, I'm now spending about 8 hours at my computer fielding all the calls.

Simon and I are working on a new song this week, that opens with …….."DEAN'S A TOKEN POOF IN THE BUILDERS YARD, HIS MUSCLES WELL OILED AND HE'S ALWAYS HARD, RUBY CHANGES NAPPIES, SHES A NEW AGE MAN, BET A WOMAN COULDN'T DO WHAT RUBY CAN."

It's called ARMAGEDDON. At the moment that is. Simon and I spend hours arguing about titles and offensive lyrics.

But my dear friend Dean Stockings said the first line to me on the last video shoot and I cant go another day without using it, believe me it is all autobiographical about my high living bussom buddies!

The HUMANS debut performances in Estonia have filled my tanks with hope and happiness.

It wasn't all smooth riding, Wongy and I arrived in Estonia at midnight on the Tuesday and four hours later had to be performing on Estonia's version of GMTV.

We were imformed before this appearance virtually no tickets had been sold to the shows, so it came as a suprise to us when the shows sold out in a day, after the TV appearance. In fact over the three performance days we played to the entire Estonian government.

On our last show we where in a very remote town, all the houses made of wood, small population, when the promoter ran into our dressing room exclaiming "THE PRESIDENT IS COMING! THE PRESIDENT IS COMING TO SEE YOU!"

Bill, Wongy and myself watched from our dressing room window as the Presidents security men emptied the car park of the audience's cars and brought the President in through a side entrance where he seated himself alone on the third row.

It was F**KING BRILLIANT! I think Bill was slightly impressed . Bill has a way with words that always put a smile on my face " what does she want with me" was one reaction when I asked him to be in THE HUMANS. Another was " too tired to give a fuck" coming off stage after playing to 700 very enthusiastic people, but Bill speaks before his soul can shut him up, it's like being with two people and I steal his words and turn them into songs.

We got the HUMANS album title thanks to Bill and his wayward mouth.WRAP ME IN YOUR UNDERWEAR is the title. We were standing in the hotel reception on our first day in Estonia, about to go to reahersals, when Bill announced his 'effects pedals' had survived the flight from Seattle because he had wrapped them in his underwear.

Of course this conjurs up many happy images and I started to sing "Wrap me in your underwear and fly me to the moon". It caught on.

All three shows where filmed thanks to the Estonian government so there will be a DVD to follow, but we are also making plans to record an album in Seattle before Bill disappears with REM for two years! The album has to be recorded before March 08.

In December I am one of the main presenters on ITV's PEOPLES MILLIONS. I am championing the BLACK COUNTRY. This will be the biggest ever money 'give away' in TV history. 50 Million from the lottery.

My bid is to build 'green bridges' to link three towns that are held apart by motorways and dual carrageways to the countryside.
This would allow children to play safely in the green areas around the BLACK COUNTRY, linking the towns to the countryside and it would also protect the countryside from development. This is a particularly poor area of Britain and it needs help.

Of all the four projects bidding for the Lottery win, the BLACK COUNTRY will directly benefit one million people, so please log on and have a look.

My programme goes out on the 6th Dec and the voting is on the 11th Dec and then announced on the News At Ten. http://www.thepeoples50million.org.uk/projects/black-country/black-country-project-summary/

Before I go I would like to thank MIKE THOMPSON CARS in Stafford for not giving up on me when I blew up my latest car. Seriously guys I couldn't cope without you endlessly bailing me out of car trouble.

I promise one day I will make a car last longer than three months. I was on a dual carrageway in Birmingham, on my way to dub a film when my latest car gave up the ghost. Its me, I make everything brake.

Have a fantastic November and thank you for making LATEX MESSIAH a success.

BE PROUD, BE LOUD, BE HEARD

LOVE TOYAH XXXX


OCTOBER 2007


Hello!

September was a fantastic month. The HUMANS rehersals went so well. Five 'ten hour' days, heads together and firing on all cylinders, we managed to pen 12 brand new songs and they are all really worth their notes. We have established our sound, which is European electro meets West Coast grunge.

Chris Wong and Bill Rieflin gel so well, both on bass, with Bill's dark, threatening sequences from the keyboards and my 'live' vocal loop layers building on top, all coming together to make something very raw and contemporary.

Bill has a busy two years ahead of him, out on the road with REM, but he is going to try and make space for us to record all the material, before March 2008.
There has been much interest from Estonia itself, and it looks like the show will be filmed for a DVD. So in all - bloody satifying.

This week, I film a MYSPACE video for LESSER GOD, and do all the new images for the OFFICIAL TOYAH WEBSITE RELAUNCH. We have some fun things to surprise you all with. The relaunch of my website is the same day as the download release for LATEX MESSIAH, the 29th October, the day after I get back fro Estonia!

This will be an interesting day, as I believe Siouxsie's excellent second single from MANTARAY is due out and Kylie Minogue's first single in two years is due out. Not that this should bear any relevance to what I am doing, which is on a small scale in comparison, but I'm really interested to see if in anyway way we attract the same audience.

To be honest, all this is happening for me because of the huge response to the new tracks on MYSPACE, and if that same response is there on the 29th October, then every thing is on 'lift off' mode.

I met Kylie for the first time this week. I often see her sister Dannii, so when I was sitting quietly catching up with friends in a bar in Kensington and Dannii popped her head in we all hugged her and carried on as normal until Dannii said she was meeting Kylie here too.

I was in the company of a female property developer who is best friends with the Thai Royal Family and she immediately phoned the King who is in England to tell him Kylie was about to join us. The King wanted an autograph for a young niece.

After a bit of persuasion from me, I managed to stop the request coming as soon as Kylie entered, explaining the best compliment you can give someone who is hounded by the paps day and night is to just let them be themselves.

Kylie arrived, without security, she was stunning, delightful and fretful that her hair has become too wavy. She'd just had it lightened and we all told her she looked radiant. Which she did. Also with us that evening, from LA, was songwriter Roxanne Seeman who was with the head of Sony Music.

Roxanne writes for Barbra Streisand, Bette Midler and Sisters Of Mercy! This was the first time I have ever met her, but talk about a small world. At 2pm that afternoon she was meeting her old friend Simon Darlow. Simon and I were then meeting at 4pm at ZOMBA MUSIC to complete and sign our contracts.

I left Simon at 6pm to meet my girlfriends in Kennsington, in a venue where Roxanne was staying. Roxanne heard my name being mentioned and came over and introduced herself. She'd spent the afternoon trying to get a song to Il Divo, without any luck, until she bumped into me. I know their management really well and will make the introduction.

In this new phase of my life, as a songwriter re-visited, I am really, really enjoying the process. So much so I would go to any means to find the right space to complete my work.

'Inspiration' is a strange unpredictable and contradictory experience, and the process of realising that you're visited by 'inspiration' and not just mentally ambling is a tough one, because in a flash of a second an idea is there and if you don't realise its frailty and make it tangible by penning it down ASAP, you are stuffed!

Because it goes as quickly as it comes and yet I know so many people who will only write with certain pens, on certain paper, in certain places, at certain times. When in truth, the page and the pen must be with you wherever you go.

On a more homely subject I have a new white rabbit. He's four months old and when I saw him in the pet centre and the staff where saying what a naughty rabbit he was I realised he was the one for me. His name is William Frederick the second, Bill Rieflin is William Frederick the first.

I don't know how Bill will take this news but both Robert and I are looking forward to the bunny's balls dropping so we can tell Bill we've been playing with his balls!

In between press interviews and lyric writing I am enjoying teaching the bunny to eat my husbands socks. Have a great October and pplleeeaaasssseeeee remember October the 29th.

The OFFICIAL release of LATEX MESSIAH (VIVA LA REBEL IN YOU) on iTunes as we need your support!

BE PROUD, BE LOUD, BE HEARD ...

LOVE TOYAH XXXX


SEPTEMBER 2007


Well Hellloooo!

The house is quite and a mouse is creeping in wall cavity or is it my wiry bones. THE HUMANS are all asleep, except for this one who has been sent to her room to write two more songs after a ten hour rehearsal, cooking dinner for 5 and running around after Bill Rieflin collecting all the tissues he leaves behind him.

Bill would never get lost in a forest or a city, just follow the tissues. He leaves his DNA everywhere and that's just from his nose.

We have eight songs under our belt and that was on the first day of rehearsals, we need another four and we are set. I'm in heaven.

Bill, is my cosmic son, he's Roberts cosmic brother, but I feel Bill and I have had many lives together where I have mothered him to death, literally!

Bill is subconsciously aware of this because all attempts to fatten him up are rejected in a teenage manner……."go away and stop feeding me, leave me alone woman".

Chris Wong is now on the project, which will be going to Estonia next month and he is going great guns.

He and Bill are both playing bass guitar on some songs and it is so awesome I don't mind the tissue residue.

This Sunday (10th September) a film crew arrives to film the set, in our mirrored rehearsal room, purely for MYSPACE, so those who think Estonia is too far to go can see what we have been up to.

Simon Darlow and I have not been snoozing on our laurels, two more songs are done and dusted and they really sink their teeth into the arse of rock n'roll! SENSATIONAL is a homage to Mick Ronson and Nick Cave, and ANGEL IN YOU is a homage to lust.

The lyrics for ANGEL IN YOU were originally quite blue, like "THERE'S AN ANGEL IN YOU AND I WANT YOU IN ME…….after a little thought we realised this is not what is expected of a women who is nine months away from her 50th birthday so we changed it to "THERE'S AN ANGEL IN YOU, AND THE DEVILS IN ME, IF BEAUTY IS SKIN DEEP HOW DEEP IS YOUR SEED….

Again we changed that to SEA eventually settling for the RADIO 2 option, especially after reading the lyrics to hubby who looked at me and said… ."and what will the Daily Mail say?" easy… that I'm an ageing failure who is desperate for attention, who cry's her self to sleep and has an eating disorder, whilst shooting heroin between her toes and calls her friends up at 4 in the morning and has attempted suicide twice a week and secretly frequents whore houses and spits at children and trips up old people and is poisoning her husband and……….'

The only disappointing thing about this is its exactly what they say about all women including Mother Teresa.

Last weekend was that Quadropenia Reunion at Earls Court, Phil Daniels hasn't changed one bit, and after ten minutes he said……"corr! Have I got to do this again tomorrow, let's go and watch Chelsea.'

We shared the Green room with the cast of Heroes and all the boys, including our director Frank Roddam where dribbling over the 'unbreakable girl'. Who in the flesh is divine, absolutely stunning.

Frank Roddam, director of Quadrophenia, K2 and many more Hollywood blockbusters, so lost his cool about 'unbreakable girl' being in the room he phoned his daughter on his mobile phone and tried to secretly take pics of the unsuspecting 'unbreakable one' until her mother ushered Frank away!

We've all decided to make Quadrophenia 2, the cast thirty years on. As there are only seven of us available for this I've suggested we call it Septicaemia. The story being Sting's character dies and we all meet again at his funeral. It's an old format but there're the ones Hollywood buy.

Right! I must pen two more songs before morning, then I must do the tissue collection, coo over Bill, worry about his eating habits, repeatedly tell him how wonderful he is ( and as his cosmic mother believe me, my son is the best, do you want to see a picture of him in his cot? Dribbling?) and make Wongy laugh, not an easy feat. But I'm confident a joke about a nun breaking wind and a sherry trifle will please them both.

See you all soon and I hope you all enjoy the new stuff coming up.

BE PROUD, BE LOUD, BE HEARD

LOVE TOYAH XXXX


AUGUST 2007


Hello there!

My husband is starting to blame me for a series of events which are getting worse and worse.
The reason for the blame is my family are fully behind him, they having lived with me for 49yrs.And the source of the problem and the blame is electricity.

I have a phenomenally bad relationship with it. For the past 12 months the electrics in the house have blown once a day, now the electrics are blowing every........3 to 5 minutes.

Get the electrician in you might think, but like the man from broadband earlier this year, the electrician can find nothing amiss. My mother started the role of blame by admitting to my husband she has always effected electrics and seems to have passed it on to me.

Let me list this years events.........

- My brand new car, it has a micro chip that instructs the engine. Twice the chip told the engine to shut down whilst I was on the fast lane on a motorway. And twice the engine has had to be rebuilt, eventually the garage gave me a new car!

- In our house the broadband wont work when I am home.

- Now the electrics wont work when i am home and to top it all I was standing side of stage last night during a GO WEST show when the lights failed and plunged the stage into darkness. The light technician asked if I could step aside of the light console while he repaired it.

- The first time it happened it didn't occur to me, but by the third time the lights went out, I realised I should move away from the area altogether.

This problem first came to light when I was making THE CHANGELING album. We recorded this on the first ever digital machine and the producer Steve Lillywhite discovered the machine wouldn't work if I stood by it, so I was banned from being within five feet of it, it still broke down daily!

Then in 1993 I was in Belgium shooting a film called ANCHORESS, when a report came back from the DAILYS, (this is the footage shot each day) that Toyah's close ups are unusable because 'she has a white line going through her on every close up', eventually the director gave up on my close ups!

The up side of this 'condition' is I daily break service tills in supermarkets, garages and banks. And on many occasions digital cameras. And just to be on the safe side I always sit at the back on aircraft!

The down side is I've just burnt out the hard-drive in my computer with all the programmes for the HUMANS tracks on it and am now furiously re-programming 8 new songs. The irony of this is I have never needed technology more than this year. Simon Darlow and myself are in the throws of signing a worldwide publishing deal with Zomba, and a record deal else where.

We are furiously writing and totally dependant on our computers. Also my script writing partner, Martin Kiszko and myself have just had a project picked up and it will require full cooperation from my computer to get the scripts finished. Robert, my husband reckons all the power failures are kicking off because I am intensely focused and obsessed with the album and script projects as they form.

I finished BELLE DU JOUR this week. Having had scenes added because the producers wanted more family surrounding BILLY PIPERS main role.

It's still very much a 'blink and you'll miss me' role but I loved it and didn't seem to perish any cameras whilst working, we only had persistent rain fall to dodge. Now I'm studying scripts for BBC's Robin Hood, which I might fit in before the HUMANS go to Estonia.

All is well. The floods came to within 30 odd feet of our back door. I was in Northumberland when a neighbour called me at 8am on Saturday the 21st of July to say 'get home now the water is about to enter your house!'

I had a gig to fulfil and Robert was in Barcelona. On begging my neighbour to sandbag our back doors it was discovered the only sand left in town was owned by us, sitting in a builders yard so we gave it to the town and it was used to sand bag the local restaurant and pubs. Thankfully the waters started to recede as fast as they came up. May it never happen again!

Have a great August, summer might eventually return.

BE PROUD, BE LOUD , BE HEARD!

LOVE TOYAH XXXX


JULY 2007

Hello and yes I know it's mid-July, BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The list of excuses is endless, but I will stick to "it rained on my head and the fuses blew."

Boy I've had a month of silly job offers. TV is becoming…..how can I put this……..sick?!

The phone rang the other day and I was asked if I'd foster a child for a new TV ..ary. The fact that I have never had children didn't seem to come into the equasion. And what would happen to the child after the filming had been completed?

Then there was the phone call warning me I was about to be kidnapped for a new series about pranks. Oh that's OK then I will behave how I would if I was kidnapped in real life and beat the driver to one inch of his life.

Luckily my sanity is being kept in check by filming Belle Du Jour, an ITV2 drama, starring Billie Piper.

I play Billy's mother, having all of three scenes in the whole series but loving it all the same. Billie will certainly silence any critics with this one, it's the raciest story I've ever come across, pure adult entertainment, and Billy is sensational.

Last week I was involved with Saving Planet Earth on BBC1. Kate Humble, Carol Thatcher and myself against Brian Blessed, Phil Tuffnel and Bill Oddie in a quiz game hosted by Graham Norton. I mentioned to Kate how much I enjoyed Ben Fogle's naked cross Atlantic rowing challenge last winter and if he where to do anything like that again could I go too, just to watch.

Kate suggested I phone him and tell him in person so I did, thanks to Kate having his direct number, so I apologise to Ben's wife for being smutty and childish, it's just the last embers of my female powers burning away until I become a fully qualified Hag.

Back stage at Kew Gardens where we where filming Brian Blessed was on true form, terrifying everyone with his booming voice and accusations which fly out of his mouth, good heartedly, like an actor with Tourette's syndrome. I was being accused of giving bad blow jobs behind the palm trees.

Brian told me this story that had me laughing all weekend. Ben Kingsley the actor, Sir Ben Kingsley, likes to be addressed as Sir. And like all actors Sir Ben is slightly scared of Brian. Sir Ben and Brian where flying from the same airport when Brian thought he would hide behind a pillar and shout……..'OY! Ben! Oy Ghandi! Do you still act! Loved you as Ghandi mate, where's the loin cloth?!! You really should do some more acting!'

This caused Sir Ben great embarrassment, not because this hidden person thought he didn't act any more but because he likes, insists, on being called Sir. Brian, behind his pillar continued 'Look everyone it's Ghandi!'

He has never been particularly bothered about political correctness. On one occasion, leaving the stage door of the London Palladium, after the first night of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, a fan asked him why he had lowered himself to do this particular show to which Brian replied "F--- O—you C---".

This is what it's like working with Brian. I've toured Peter Pan with Brian and you are never safe, not even on stage from his humour. Once during a fight scene, when I was on the fly wire and he was on a rock, we both had metal swords, he started telling the audience what it was like climbing Everest without an oxygen mask whilst trying to cut my fly wire with great swoops of his sword! Never work with children, animals and Brian Blessed!

If you haven't visited my MySpace, then you wont have come across the purely for fun, for the fans, guerilla video shoot of Latex Messiah. A day spent at home with friends, a few wigs, a lot of make up and a camera. Truthfully everyone worked their socks off, but it proves this sort of thing can be can be done on no budget, with out a record company.

The shoot has attracted so much attention that Simon (Darlow) and I have been in meetings with record companies and publishers for the last two weeks.

I'm planning to do a few more of these shoots, bringing in new images for new songs. Talking of which, I'm off. Simon Darlow needs me. We're working this week on a new song called AM I MADE BY A LESSER GOD. It really kicks arse.

I hope to see you in the rain at some of the shows happening this summer.

BE PROUD , BE LOUD , BE OUTRAGEOUS

LOVE TOYAH XXXX


JUNE 2007

Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to thank many people this month!

Firstly 'He Indoors" who has taken over the role of Cook and Shopper and Mentor and Councillor due to the extreme pressures of work I am under.

Eight songs have been written, recorded and played to the business in the last four weeks, offers made by publishers and requests for more songs are coming in. I feel this could be a journey that will never end, and now I'm screen testing for some really interesting projects too.

The great things about getting older are firstly you don't feel any older but you can pretend to, you can also pretend to be wiser, but in my case I am.

So when the phone rings and you are asked if you'd like to play Billy Pipers mother in her new series about a prostitute you instinctively say 'yes' before thinking "oh hell will I keep my clothes on, I am far too old for nudity!"
(At least this thought occurred to me, because 25 years ago I would have got on set before I thought about the implications and have done the worrying later).

My husband realizing how demoralizing it is to leave the creative space to cook twice a day has for the last month been a house husband and a pair of critical ears. (I have to be honest here, he can criticize if he likes, I wouldn't listen anyway, this is a man who tells budding musicians to become plumbers, but he himself is a budding cook.)

Not having had a family I've never been emotionally trained in the nutritional needs of others ie: getting food on the table come what may.

So when I'm in my study deep in thought, programming a new song and the clock hits one, I could KILL with the sheer resentment of being expected to leave my creative space to line another's stomach. In fact I feel the same about being expected to leave the creative space to eat.

I have a dream, to write my way out of domesticity. Great balls of fire if I get this right I can have a butler cook, just like Sting and Trudy!

Another team I must thank, who really have got me out two major pickles this month are a garage in Stafford. Mike Thompson Peugeot, in Stafford go beyond the call of duty.

Firstly my car breaks down in a middle of a dual carriageway in Birmingham leaving me with half an hour to get into the studio for Silver Street, so the garage in Stafford arrange for the car to be collected and a new one delivered to the studio, within an hour!

Then a week later the car plays up in Luton, so the garage collects it and gives me a brand new car. Who said customer service is long gone! If you need reliability, take it from me this is the garage to go to!

Gay Pride in Blackpool was a scream. The atmosphere was fantastic. I played the North Pier and it was full to bursting. At one point the management where worried because the pier was moving and the show was stopped briefly to get everyone to move back.

My trusted friend and confidant John was dressed in a lime green baby doll outfit with a hippopotamus print and bovver boots. I decided to treat him to a palm reading, as we where in Blackpool, and he was told he already knew the love of his life.

This was a tonic to his ears. John celebrated his good news by approaching every butch heterosexual male with a beer belly asking them if they fancied a F---! Funny how giggly a butch hetero can become when asked something they think of all the time.

I was laughing so much I fell over. I went into the palmist after and was told that this would be the happiest period of my life, mainly because of recognition in my work. HAPPY ME. Work is my addiction!

My main focus this month, apart from turning 49, was to get the demos completed for THE HUMANS, in Estonia. My band buddy Bill Rieflin has a busy year finishing the new REM album and doing various festivals, so I don't get too much time with him.

We do the photo shoot for the project this Friday, Dean Stockings will be the Art director. Bill looks so angelic in my eyes, so the theme is Demonic Angels.

Simon Darlow engineered the demos for me so I could get them to Bill and to Estonia and to the Princes Trust who are going to publish and try and link the project to England. The Princes Trust have set up a publishing division through Jools Holland.

I'm managing all this! Plus managing my English band, the acting, the presenting and the writing and a property empire! There's no staff involved!!!!!!!!!!!! Bill really likes what I am coming up with. Basically THE HUMANS is an ironic term. Visualize aliens in outer space talking about planet Earth and saying it's inhabited with Humans, like we are all to be avoided because we are low on the food chain.

The way sharks are killing machines, well in history so are Humans.

Thank you to all of you for the great birthday wishes. I'm off to screen test for Loose Women, as a perminant fixture. Not sure I will get it, TV likes it's women to have had children, this is one sacrifice I am not prepared to make, even for work!

Have a fantastic June.

BE PROUD, BE LOUD, SPEAK YOUR MIND AND BE HEARD!

LOVE TOYAH XXXX


MAY 2007

Hello and Salutations!..

April was a HAPPY MONTH and ABOUT BLOODY TIME!

At my age happiness is a drug, is an ambition, is a turn on, is a kick inside, is a god damned f------ right!

Part of my joy is I'm writing, oh and I'm writing and did I say I am writing? THE HUMANS is a project that fills my heart with light and happiness. The story behind this is the Estonian Embassy asked myself, the hubby, and Bill Reiflin to do a concert in Estonia around November, of course Robert said No…..why say YES when a word like NO is so easy to say. BUT Bill and I said YES! And thus we became THE HUMANS.

Because Bill lives in Seattle and I in Blighty , we communicate through bizarre e-mail and morse code. Simon Darlow is helping me demo ideas and get them to Bill, all a bit long distance but the moral of this story is the project has lifted me from my life of complete and utter slavery, slavery over the kitchen bloody sink, slavery over the accounts, slavery over TV studios, slavery over Download contracts, slavery over getting from A to B three times a day and has liberated me and reminded me I once did this exclusively for a living…..writing music!

YIPEEE!!! HURRRRRAAAAY! I think I've found myself in a small cupboard called LIFE IS ART. I now feel I have a life again, just like my friends who have sex in public places, one in particular who found himself with a stranger and a tub of "I can't believe this is not butter' and courgette. Just like my other friends who actually have holidays when they should be at work on Prime Time TV. YES I can feel my life returning.

When I was in the stratosphere choosing the body in which to complete this life, I must have had a dyslexic moment, instead of picking the six foot, blonde prototype called Play Boy Bunny Meets Billionaire And Lives In Comfort And Joy All Her Days, I accidentally picked the prototype titled Short Arse Looking For A Home But Will Be Continually Pressed Upon To Sort Out Every One Else's Mundane Shit.

Fair enough, could be worse, I could have chosen the prototype called Bobbit or Pee Wee Herman.

I hope most of you read about the earthquake in Folkestone this month. My boys in the band come from Folkestone, in fact we often rehearse there thanks to the generosity of the wonderful people who live there who allow us their pubs, bars and back rooms to work in.

Well I have this theory about the earthquake, you see the guitarist Chris Wong was seen buying a 'Celine Dion Does Gilbert and Sullivan' DVD and God got pissed. Poor Chris said it was scary, he thought a plane had hit the house. But I have reassured him that now God has punished the good people of Folkestone for their existence the Jehovah's witness's will want to build a shrine there.

Somehow I ended up on THE TISWAS REUNION for ITV 1, in the audience, wearing a thousand pound jacket, which I had borrowed from the design house, English Eccentrics. It was a great show, Status Quo got gunged! Lenny Henry got gunged! Chris Tarrant got gunged! I was having a whale of a time until they turned the water cannons on the entire audience! I'm praying no one from English Eccentrics is watching on the 7th May!

This month has had it's usual odd assortment of work offers, but none like the phone call from the makers of 'Size Zero with Louise Redknapp', a brilliant documentary about dieting to size zero, as you'd expect from the title.

The conversation went……..'we're making a hard hitting, harrowing documentary about how far women will go for the perfect body. Would you have a tummy tuck on camera?'

Me: No

Them: But you've said publicly you want one?

Me: Yes, that was then, this is now, I'm four years older and it would take two months to recover from it and I need to earn a living and on top of that I have credibility to think about.'

Them: Well we can't make the show with out pain and drama and tears, that's what the executives want'.

Me: Tell them to have the bloody tummy tuck then.'

I'm wishing you all a fabulous May, I will be a year older on the 18th!

Just reminding you all.

BE PROUD, BE LOUD, BE HEARD

LOVE TOYAH XXXX

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